


The Lines We Draw

by maq_moon



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Author challenges herself, Ben "don't call me that but also don't call me kylo" Solo, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), I think that's how the Force works, Kylo Ren redemption arc, Luke "anger leads to hate" Skywalker, Other Force techniques, POV shifts, Rey thinks everyone is an idiot, Reylo Fanfiction Anthology, Sort of inspired by Plutarch's Lives, a bit of smut, rffa finish your fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:02:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12873927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maq_moon/pseuds/maq_moon
Summary: Their lives are strikingly similar, though they do not know it.Kylo Ren says two treasonous words. His punishmentfaroutweighs his crime.Now a prisoner of the Resistance, Kylo tries to hide those two words and the events surrounding them from Rey. If his secret is discovered, the entire galaxy could be upended.





	1. Parallel

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Reylo fam!  
> Here is my newest/oldest fic. How is it the newest *and* oldest? I began writing this in 2016. It was the first Reylo fic I ever started. It would likely have never seen completion had the mods at the Reylo Fanfiction Anthology not had a lovely idea. Instead of creating something new for NaNoWriMo, we would finish a fic. ReyloWriMo was also a thing this year (I didn't participate in that). It has been a good month for us!  
> And in just over two weeks, our sweet babies will be on the big screen in TLJ! I *really* need to finish my cosplay.
> 
> I present to you "The Lines We Draw". I challenged myself to write in shifting POVs (because I hate doing that). That lasts exactly one chapter :3 I want to get this all posted by the time TLJ hits theaters, so updates will be frequent! C'est finis, it's just a matter of timing the posts.
> 
> I hope you enjoy. Oh, and _pay attention_ ;)

"Search your feelings, Rey," he insists again and again. "Can you feel him?"

I can't. I'm sorry, Master Luke, but I can't.

He tells me about Bonds, about the different kinds. As he is my Master, am I not more likely to share a Force Bond with him? Perhaps I have one with my mum or dad, only they're too far away for me to feel.

"No," he says sternly. I must release my attachments to the parents I don't know. I want to shout at him; he had no memory of his parents. He didn't even know who his father was until Vader outright told him. My parents said they would come back. As I reached for them, they said they would come back.

He knows my feelings, reminds me that anger leads to hate. I glare at him and breathe deeply. I must calm myself.

"He opened your mind to the Force. You saw his thoughts, just as he saw yours. You fought bitterly on Starkiller. Moments of near death-"

I interrupt him,  grousing that he's told me this a half dozen times.

"Reach out, Rey," Master Luke says quietly. "Think of him, think of the face beneath the mask. Reach out. We'll practice a little every day."

I nod, resigned.

======

"Search your feelings, Apprentice. Can you feel her?"

I do. Distinctly. Strongly. While I know the benefits of such a thing, this _Bond_ , I despise it all the same.

He knows my thoughts, my every feeling. He tells me that so long as I keep my mental shields strong, she will not be able to sense me. I'm aware of this, irritated by the reminder.

"You do not think you need my guidance on this matter?" he asks archly.

Of course I do. I welcome his guidance. I need it. I _crave_ it. His words have been the only constant in my life, a soothing voice in my ear when Mother was busy and Han Solo was shirking his responsibilities.

"Do you think the girl is aware of the connection?" my Master asks me. I wonder if this is a trick question. I haven't felt her in my mind and he knows this. He doesn't like intangible answers, but an intangible answer is all I am able to provide.

I reply that she herself would not have known or understood the concept, but because she is with Skywalker, things are different. I tell him something he has heard before- that she longs for her parents. I go on to tell him that Force-Sensitivity is often hereditary, so she may think any bond is with her family. Skywalker will have dismissed the notion, undoubtedly, but I have seen the girl's mind and she has hope. I say that if she is aware of the existence of a Bond, she will not think it is with me.

My master is displeased.

I leave his presence with well-deserved wounds.

=====

Something hurts. Badly.

I didn't realize I was screaming until Master Luke came running to me.

There is blood running from my nose and I have balled my hands so tightly into fists that my palms bear exsanguinating crescents.

Shaking, I ask him what is wrong with me.

"Ben has just been in a great deal of pain," he says sadly.

I don't comprehend what he's saying at first, but as the pain lessens to a dull throb throughout my body, I understand. I _am_ Bonded to the monster. More than that, I can't reach out to him, but he can affect me. Does that mean he can read my thoughts? Find us? So many people died keeping the map to Master Luke hidden.

He feels my panic (they? does the creature who killed Han feel it, too?) and smiles.

"I'll teach you to guard your thoughts better. And, if necessary... we'll move."

=====

_We'll move_.

I hear Skywalker's voice in my head through hers, and in an instant I'm lucid.

Those two words send shivers through my aching body. No! If they're on the move, it will be much harder to track them.

I want to break something, anything, break someone, anyone, but I am alone. I am alone, a flagellant taking my penance for displeasing my master. It would be easy to get a doctor here, to make them forget the face beneath the mask with the tiniest gesture, but I deserve this. I should never question. I know better than to question. I know better than to give anything but a direct answer. My master is wise. Doesn't he know what's best for me?

=====

I'm not very good at the whole "shield" thing, but Master Luke is confident that Kylo Ren doesn't know our location. I'm working on reaching out to his mind as well, but it seems I only get a glimpse when he's emotional... or hurt.

I don't want to pity him. He killed his dad. I don't have a dad and he stood there and murdered his. He takes things for granted. How could he abandon his family? Doesn't he know how lucky he is to have one at all?

I don't want to pity him, but there are times... When I'm sore despite having done nothing but meditate, when my head is screaming in pain from somewhere across the galaxy, I do.

=====

She is getting better at shielding her thoughts.

She was awful at first. I could hear snippets of what she heard, see the ocean out of her eyes.

The Supreme Leader wants her. I can't imagine why. Surely Skywalker has filled her head with nonsense about Light and Dark. He told me once that if the Jedi found her way to Skywalker, it would be catastrophic. Perhaps he thinks there is still time to undo the damage my uncle has done.

Does he mean to make her his new Apprentice?

I am the grandson of Darth Vader. Why should the Supreme Leader need another Apprentice? Perhaps he means to make me jealous. It's working.

Or perhaps... Perhaps he will allow me to do what I wanted from the beginning: teach her. Perhaps I will have my own Apprentice. I remember her furious hazel eyes and relish the thought.

=====

"Why is he happy?" Master Luke asks me.

I'm not sure. He's happy though. Not in the normal person way, but in his own weird way. I think he heard news he likes. That's odd, because the Resistance is winning victory after victory. I haven't felt the... torture... in more than half a year. I don't know if that's because I'm finally good at shielding my mind against him now or if he's been an obedient little dog.

Someone is dead. Someone he doesn't like.

I panic, thinking of General Organa. Master Luke shakes his head.

"I would feel it if she had died," he says. I nod. Of course. I knew that.

Who died, then?

"I don't know." Master Luke sighs. "Can you feel anything more?"

I can, and I don't like what I feel.

Snoke is not happy. Snoke is angry. Snoke is _furious_. That fury is directed at Kylo Ren.

It takes me days to recover from this round of agony. In my more lucid moments, however, I reach out. Kylo Ren is unconscious. The timing couldn't be better.

He has killed a man with ginger hair. I see the man in his mind, haughty, full of hubris, chest puffed out. I see the moment of his death, not by an elegant swing of a light saber, but by Kylo Ren's large hands wrapping around the man's throat. I see Kylo Ren on bended knee, stating his case to a giant: the self-styled Supreme Leader. I see the giant's face, more like a cadaver's than that of a living man. I hear whispering but can't make out the words.

I am forced out with a mental shove that leaves me dizzy.

I tell Master Luke what I saw. He nods sagely and says nothing. I press him for information. Does he know who the dead man is- was? Why does Snoke look like that?

"Yes," he says. "I know who it was, or I believe I do. As for Snoke... who can say? He must have been projecting via holo to be as large as you describe. As for his face, the Dark offers many temptations but demands a high price. It's possible that was one of his sacrifices."

I want to know who precisely the dead man is. I ask. Master Luke urges me to be patient and focus on healing.

"We must hope that the next one to die isn't my nephew," he says quietly.

I sit up quickly, causing my head to spin. How could he _say_ that after all that Kylo Ren had done? Killed younglings, family! He deserves to die.

"Ben is still beneath that mask somewhere. I feel it. And even if my nephew were lost, should he die..." He stops, his hesitancy rolling off of him like surge waves. I implore him with my eyes. "Should he die, the effect on you would be disastrous."

===== 

Nowhere is safe.

My mind is an open book.

It has been torn to shreds. _She_ has started slipping in when I sleep, when I repent. My mother- the General (why must I still correct myself?) could probably catch a glimpse if she wanted. Any fool who is Force-sensitive could.

I deserved to be punished, but Hux had to die. He had to. He overheard me talking about her- _to_ her. I had a security image from when she was in the interrogation chair. I was watching, always watching, _torturing_ myself by watching, and Hux heard me talking and threatened to tell the Supreme Leader. He had to die. I hated him anyway. He needed to die. He thought he was better than me, the leader of the Knights of Ren. But the Supreme Leader didn't tell me to kill him.

I deserved to be punished.

My mind is a wreck. Now it may be too late to salvage.

I feel a pang of fear and a realization from the other side of the galaxy and know that Skywalker has told little Rey about what will happen to her if I die.

I laugh.

It's really not funny, but I laugh all the same.

=====

I am given more hugs than I've ever had in my entire life when I reach the Resistance base. My friends are all there, waiting with smiles. There is Poe, cocky grin on his face. There is Finn, fitted with metal in his back and arm. There is Chewbacca, there is Jessika, there is BB-8. There are new faces, looking at me as if they already know me. Finally, there is General Organa, mouth set in a grim line.

I have seen holos of her as a young woman. She was very beautiful once. Years of war, bitterness, and anguish have taken the sparkle out of her eyes.

She embraces me tightly, silently, then moves to hug Master Luke. His expression is queer; I briefly wonder if he expected his sister to look happy after all that has happened over the past two years. I decide to remain ignorant, to not touch their thoughts. It's one thing to invade the space of an enemy; it's quite another to invade the space of people you care for.

And that's when I realize it. I have a family. These people here, the ones with whom I fight and for whom I would die- they are my family. If my parents came looking for me now, I don't know if I'd spare them a glance. I have chosen my family. We are a motley group, but a functional, loving unit nonetheless.

=====

She is so full of love and hope.

Why is she so full of love and hope?

I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the emotions, but they won't go.

=====

I curl my lip. I don't want any part of this mission. Had I known this was why Master Luke suddenly decided to change his mind about joining the fight, I would have told him I'd prefer to stay on Ahch-To.

We're _rescuing_ poor little Ben Solo.

Finn is the only person who agrees with me- this idea is awful. We'll be wasting lives for someone who doesn't want to be redeemed. Someone who doesn't deserve redemption.

Master Luke says that it has to be done _for me_. If "Ben" dies, I'll go mad.

No, I shoot back, I won't. I've felt heartbreaking emptiness before and survived. I've been alone most of my life. I can handle the breakage of a Force Bond with a monster.

The General's normally hard face flinches. "Ben isn't a monster," she says.

Kylo Ren is, I counter.

"There is still good in him," Master Luke repeats.

I want to scream at all of them to do it on their own, that I know they're really just being selfish and trying to save someone who died years ago, that they're being hypocrites because they told me to give up on my parents but want to go after this _thing_.

But I don't. Because they are my family.

I sigh and am briefed on the mission.

=====

She is angry, resentful.

I catch my name- no, the dead boy's name- in her thoughts before I am shut out.

Why was she thinking that name?

=====

I can't believe it worked.

It was so easy to find him through his thoughts. I considered the possibility of a trap, but Kylo Ren didn't even put up a fight. Master Luke snatched up his light saber and we took every precaution to make sure he couldn't attack anyone on the journey back. He was surrounded by ysalamiri cages. He didn't even _try_ to fight. He just sat there like an idiot, staring at the wall.

Master Luke says that he thinks Snoke partially Severed Kylo's ties to the Force. It's apparently extremely painful for the person who lost their abilities. I don't care if it was.

I'm told he's asking for me. I don't want to see him. The General hasn't seen him yet, I protest. She should see him first. For interrogation purposes, of course, I add.

Very few people know Kylo Ren's true identity. If they did... well, it would be just as catastrophic for Master Luke and the General as it was when the news about Vader being their father came out.

"He's asking for you," I'm told for about the thirtieth time.

I calm myself and stalk to his containment cell.


	2. Transversal

Kylo Ren is wearing standard prison garb. It is scratchy, too thin, and too tight.

"The General would like to speak to you," someone says to him _again_.

"I'm not speaking to the General until I speak to the little Jedi girl."

"My name is Rey," says a strong voice, "and I'm not a  Jedi." Rey dismisses the go-between. When she is certain she is alone with the Jedi Killer, she speaks. "What do you want? I have better things to do than have a little chat with a murderer."

"If you're trying to insult me, it's not working. I have killed. You calling me 'murderer' is like me calling you 'scavenger'."

"What do you want?" she repeats forcefully.

"To look at you," Kylo says. "To look into the eyes of the one person who could scrape every scrap of information from my brain on a whim."

Rey snorts. "You've seen him plenty of times. I'm not into the whole mind-flaying thing. That's just you and your good chum Snoke."

"The Supreme Leader-" he says loudly, then quiets himself. "The Supreme Leader-- I'm as easy to read as a child's primer now." He says this bitterly, and Rey wonders why he is telling her at all. "So you know just how dangerous I am to you, little Jedi," he says, lightly touching her thoughts. She pulls her mental shields tighter. "I assume you know what happens to you if I die, and I assume that's why the Supreme Leader... allowed this."

"Oh yes," Rey says, clasping her hands together and faking concern. "I'll be ever so torn up if you should die. Look, pal, I'm used to loneliness. I can handle whatever life throws at me."

"Life? I have no doubt of it. But the Force? You still have no idea. You've only been training for a few years. You need a teacher."

"I have a teacher."

"A proper teacher. One who won't spew philosophy-"

"Have you ever tried to build a house in the desert?" Rey asks suddenly, catching him off guard. "You have to have a solid foundation before you can build, otherwise the sand will swallow it up. That's what the philosophy you hate is- the foundation of the house."

"Is that my uncle I hear?" Kylo asks, sneering.

"No. I actually asked him if the analogy was proper. Guess you don't know Master Luke's teachings as well as you thought."

"I'd prefer to know none of them."

"You're an idiot," Rey snaps. "You've seen me. Goodbye forever." She storms out of the cellblock and marches up to the General.

"Well?" she asks.

"He was trying to be intimidating, then offered to teach me again. Then we got into a tiff. With respect, General, I really don't like him."

The General shakes her head, smiling. "He always was temperamental."

=====

Finn notices how disgruntled she is despite her best efforts to hide it.

"You need anything?" he asks.

She loves that about Finn. No stupid questions like "are you okay?"- just support.

"Nah, I'll be fine," Rey says. "I'm just tetchy after dealing with _him_."

"I would be, too. Even without the mask and cloak, he's imposing."

"Arrogant," Rey says. "He is so kriffing arrogant. Do you know- even though he's in a cell, he had the gall to tell me I needed someone to properly train me in the Force?"

Finn's eyes go wide. "Like anyone's better than Luke Skywalker!"

"And he was completely nonchalant about having killed people. It's sick."

He looks down, bites his lip. Rey puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. He is thinking about his past.

"I think... I think that's why we all wore matching uniforms with helmets. To make them feel better when we were collateral damage. If we didn't have faces or names, it was easier for us to be disposable." She feels the lingering lament of worthlessness pour off of him and wants to cry.

"But you aren't disposable. Not to me. Not to anyone here. We all care about you."

"I know," Finn says, a grin coming to his face. "But it doesn't change the past."

"No," Rey agrees. "No amount of love can change the past."

=====

"Ben," the General greets carefully. She hasn't seen him in years, not since he discovered her parentage and branded her a liar. He looks so different, she thinks. Even though he is a prisoner, his carriage is almost regal. His face has wrinkles and lines that shouldn't mar the features of someone so young. He looks tired, and Leia silently weeps. Still, beneath the scars and sneer, she sees her son. She sees him in those lustrous eyes he inherited from her, the crooked nose so like his father's.

"General," he replies coldly. He feels her appraisal. "I don't want your pity."

"I don't pity you, Ben-"

"Ben Solo is dead."

"Ben Solo is still in there," his mother counters vehemently. "Any minimally Force-Sensitive could feel it."

"Don't. Just don't, okay?" Kylo snaps. "You've seen me. I'm your prisoner and you've seen me. Go. Leave me to waste away." He slouches into a corner.

"Ben..." Her voice cracks. She wants to hold him, stroke his hair like she did before everything went wrong. She wants to tell him that he isn't a prisoner, but that's only half true and she never wants to lie to him again.

She turns on her heel, shoulders squared, and leaves. For now. Only for now. She won't fail him again.

=====

Kylo doesn't want visitors, but he has a steady stream of them.

"Tables have turned, eh, Benji?"

He groans, burying his face in his pillow. "Isn't it enough that I'm your captive?"

Poe shrugs. "Won't be any torture, far as I know. That was a real dick move, by the way."

"I did what was necessary."

"No, you did what a nut job told you and tortured your best pal from childhood."

"We needed the map."

"You needed your head scrubbed of the Dark Side."

Kylo snorts. "My head's been scrubbed of the Force almost entirely. Wish granted."

"That's a thing?" Poe asks, eyebrows raising. "Kriff."

"It's a very uncomfortable thing... Poe-Bro."

"There's a bit of the Benji I know."

Poe leaves, sad but smiling.

Kylo Ren wonders why he used the old nickname.

=====

The scavenger is back. She doesn't want to be there- even _he_ can feel as much- but she is back all the same.

"So you're not Lord Powerful Spooky Guy, Lackey of Giant Creepy Face anymore. You're also not Ben Solo." There is no emotion in her voice. No playfulness, no malice. At his silence, she continues, her tone still even. "You killed Han. Snoke took your powers. Doesn't seem like a fair trade."

"Han Solo meant nothing to me," Kylo interjects.

"If he meant nothing to you, he wouldn't have been your big test. You wouldn't have hesitated. I saw the whole thing, remember? _He_ came to _you_. You didn't go to him. So keep lying to yourself. You may not be able to tell when you're insincere, but I can."

He grinds his teeth, looks at Rey as though he could murder her. He expects her to laugh. He sinks onto his cot, scratchy uniform irritating his skin.

"Is it... terribly painful?"

"It doesn't fit," Kylo says.

Rey does laugh then. "You're just tall. I'll talk to somebody about it. But I wasn't talking about your clothes." She averts her eyes, whispering. "Severing."

"Oh, not at _all_ ," Kylo says saccharinely. "It was like seeing a double rainbow during a picnic on Naboo while falling in love. Of course it was painful. It was worse than-" _worse than dad leaving, worse than mom ignoring me, worse than uncle luke's patronizing optimism whenever i screwed up, worse than being stunned by a blaster, worse than being shot with a dozen blasters, worse than master's torment when i disappointed him, worse than recovery, worse than having my side shot by my father's best friend, worse than having my face bisected with a light saber_ "-worse than anything someone like you can imagine."

"Someone like me?" Rey asks, insulted. "And what do you know about me, hm? What do you know besides what you stole from my mind?"

"Why are you here, scavenger?"

"My name is Rey. I'm here for my own reasons and I'm leaving now."

=====

She begs the General not to make her go back in there. She doesn't want to see him again. Ever.

The General pleads with her to keep trying, and Master Luke agrees. Ben is free of Snoke. If he is exposed to a person who is naturally full of Light, he could recover. It's even more likely because of their Bond.

Rey knows, though, that even if Kylo Ren were to abandon his Dark tendencies, she would still despise him. Luke and Leia would forgive him, maybe even Poe, but she never would. Because nothing erases the past.

As an afterthought, she mentions Kylo's prison uniform.

=====

Rey sits near him a few times a week, more often than not in silence.

=====

"So what is it they're trying to accomplish by making you miserable?" Finn asks. They are in the mess hall, side-by-side, across from Poe.

"Apparently just my presence is enough to turn him back into a good human being again," Rey snorts.

"Right," Finn laughs. "I mean, I don't doubt your charms, but I don't think there's any going back for that one."

"It's easy for you to say that," Poe interjects quietly, "because you never knew him."

"You sound like Master Luke," Rey says. Her eyebrows knit together.

"Since when do you have sympathy for the First Order?" Finn asks. "They tortured you."

"I don't have sympathy for the First Order," Poe says. "I hate them. I have sympathy for the man in the prison cell. He's Kylo Ren to you, but he'll always be Benji to me." He grabs his food tray and storms off. Finn and Rey exchange wide-eyed glances.

"They knew each other?" Finn asks.

"Benji?" Rey smirks. She wonders if she should use this name on him the next time she's stuck with him. In the meantime, she follows Poe and apologizes.  

=====

"I've been wondering," Rey says mischievously, "what I should call you."

"Not Ben Solo," Kylo says immediately.

"Oh, that was never on the table." She paces, looks him up and down. "I see you have a new set of clothes. You're welcome."

"I didn't thank you."

Rey shrugs. "Ren is also out of the question, as you're no longer with the Knights of Ren."

"Then 'Kylo' is the logical option, but I don't think that's what you're looking for, either," he says, huffing. "I have a feeling you're going to make this difficult."

"Absolutely. Let's see... What did your dad call you?" Kylo's face hardens. Rey blinks almost flirtatiously. "I can always just look, you know."

"Kid. Han just called me 'kid'. He couldn't even be bothered to say my name."

"And your mum?"

"Just Ben."

"And your friends?"

"I didn't have any friends."

"Oh, come on. Charmer like you, probably cute, famous parents? You had friends."

"Fine," he snaps. "I had a friend."

"What did your friend call you?"

Kylo sees the mirth in her eyes. He frowns. "I think you already know."

Rey laughs in earnest. "Yes, I do, but I want to hear you say it."

"Why? To further humiliate me? I'm caged like an animal, stripped almost entirely of the Force, have babysitters, am at the mercy of people who hate me or want me to be someone I'm not- isn't that enough?"

She stops laughing. "I just thought it was a cute nickname. I wasn't trying to make you angry. Irritate you? Yes. Degrade you? No."  

"Fine. I believe you. Can we just be quiet like we usually are?"

"No, it's okay. I'll go."

=====

It's a bad idea.

No, it's a terrible idea.

She wants to shake Master Luke and call him an idiot, naive, every dirty word she ever learned at the outpost.

"Anger leads to hate," Master Luke says. "One of the few things the Jedi Council had right."

"How could you even think of doing that?!" Rey exclaims.

Giving Kylo Ren the Force again is the General's idea. If the Resistance were to restore the Force, he might be inclined to stay with them. Master Luke can do it, theoretically. It's been done before. Severing was usually a technique used by Jedi, not Sith, so he's confident that he can work with this Light-based blockage. She wonders how Snoke could have used an old Jedi technique, how someone so obviously evil could tap into the Light side of the Force.

"It may happen upon Snoke's death anyway," the General says, half shrugging. "Better that he get a gesture of goodwill from us than the return of his abilities at the fall of the creature who seduced him." Her eyes are all at once bitter, sad, and full of hope. She wants her son back, and Rey can't bring herself to speak the truth: Ben Solo is gone. What had started out as a silly conversation in the prisoner block turned into something more. There is no Ben; she knows this and suspects Master Luke knows it, too.

Rey locks eyes with her master and lets him lead her outside.

"This isn't the smartest thing to do," Master Luke says. Rey is taken aback by his frankness. "My sister is right, though. A gesture of goodwill will go far with Ben."

"There is no Ben," Rey croaks.

"Only those who never knew him before he donned the mask say that." He isn't smiling.

"He said everybody wants him to be someone he's not. Everybody wants to make him Ben."

"That's true," Master Luke sighs. "People want him to be who he was fifteen years ago. That's not who he is now. He doesn't know who he is, and everyone misses him so much that it's easy to project. I'm certainly not the same person I was fifteen years ago. Are you?"

"I was a tiny little thing and don't remember much of life. That's not really a proper comparison."

"But it is. He was a confused teenager with someone whispering in his ear."

"I don't care," Rey says harshly. "He had a mum and a dad and you. He had everything and then he turned into a monster. He didn't have to listen to Snoke. He made a choice."

"Do you not regret any of your choices?"

"None of my choices involved murder."

Luke shakes his head, smiling tightly through his disappointment. He wants her to understand, knows that she can, but she is being deliberately obtuse and argumentative. Talking now will get him nowhere, he thinks. This is not the time to change her mind.

"I'll leave you to your friends," Master Luke says. He must return to his sister and discuss a timeline.

=====

The eve of battle is hard for Rey. The anticipation. The nerves. The what-ifs. The way Jessika's wave is a little stilted and her words short. The way Finn pulls her into tight hugs that last a few seconds longer than she would like. The way Poe throws his arm around her enthusiastically and plays with her hair. She is still unaccustomed to touch after all this time. The General is never seen the night before. Master Luke wanders around the base, calming worried hearts. How different he is now from the jaded curmudgeon she met on Ahch-to.

The calm before the storm. It is an uncomfortably beautiful and sad thing.

Rey is not a part of this mission. No, she thinks bitterly, she is Kylo Ren's nanny.

She takes out her frustrations on the prisoner. "You suck, you know that?"

"Pardon?" She has awoken him.

"I said that you suck. I'm stuck here because of you."

"I could say the same."

"How d'you figure?"

"The General and my uncle rescued me for your sake. I am, therefore, stuck here because of you."

"They rescued you because they love you. Sorry- they love _Ben_." Rey twists her lips. "And don't blame me. I tried to talk them out of it."

"How very selfish of you."

Rey shrugs. "I'm trying to talk them out of something else, something even dumber, but I don't think they'll listen."

Kylo raises an eyebrow. "Really? Is that all of the irritation I've been feeling from you lately? Care to share this utterly stupid thing the higher-ups are planning?"

"No." She balls her hands into fists. "It's just... Master Luke thinks it's dumb, too! He _told_ me that he thinks it's stupid but that he'll do it for your mother anyway."

"One of the many reasons family is a weakness," Kylo snarks.

"You've got it wrong! It's a dumb thing, but he loves her so much that he's willing to do it for her. That's strength, not weakness."

"You only think that because you haven't got any family."

"Ooh, ouch. That stung," Rey deadpans. "I might not know who my mother and father are, but I have a family."

"Please don't get sentimental and tell me you think that the people here are your family. They're not. They have their own daughters and sisters." He rolls his eyes.

"You can never have too many people who love you," she says defiantly, chin raised.

They stare at one another, neither wanting to blink first. She takes in his scarred face, his dirty hair, the nose so much like his father's, a mouth that would probably yield a borderline nice smile. He tries to count her freckles, examines her chapped lips, her hazel eyes, determined brow.

The look of anguish that takes over as she grabs her chest and falls to the floor.

She is screaming, _screaming_ , and the guard can do nothing about it because he doesn't know that it isn't her own pain that she's feeling. Who is hurt, Kylo wonders, that she should feel it so acutely? Then, more pressing- What if it's a disturbance in the Force and _that's_ why he can't feel it? No; he starts to get vague images from her mind.

A dark-skinned boy. _The traitor_. FN-2187. He hears Rey's voice under her screams.

_You never used to go on these things! You used to want to run! Why couldn't you have run? Why did you have to go this time? Finn_!

Kylo speaks to her as if he's wearing his mask, as if he still has full command of the Force and is trying to manipulate her. "Calm down, Rey. You're fine. You can't stop what's happening to FN... Finn. You are fine. Open your eyes. This is not your pain. You are not injured. Stop screaming. You're fine."

Her eyes crack open a modicum, and though her breathing is labored, Rey is alert and aware.

"You got me out of it," she rasps, throat sore. Kylo nods once. "With the Force?"

"I don't have a whole lot of that left, Rey."

She nods. "Thanks."

A medic rushes in, but Rey dismisses him. The prisoner helped her, she says.

"I still don't know what to call you," she says later.

"I'll let you know when I figure it out myself."

=====

Rey tells Finn to stop getting knocked out by First Order operatives.

"Phasma," he says. "We didn't expect her to be there." His eyes are closed, one of them swollen shut and an unnatural shade of purple. He coughs occasionally, irritating his bruised ribs. "Lucky for me, I'm part robot," he jokes. "She couldn't break a metal arm. Got the other one with this scary new spear, though. Just a fracture, the medics said. I'll be back in the fray in no time."

"You're an idiot," Rey mutters. "And do you think _I'm_ an idiot? I felt your pain. It was awful. If Kylo hadn't been there, I don't know what I'd have done."

Finn jerks his head too quickly to pierce her with his eyes. He winces. "Kylo? What's he got to do with it?"

She immediately regrets having said his name. Finn hates Kylo as much as she does. More. "I was with him when you were injured. It hurt, and I heard you screaming, only it was in my heart. Kylo sort of... grounded me. Talked me through the pain." She shrugs like it was nothing, but she feels an obligation now. She has to do something to thank him because words aren't enough. Finn's good eye is still glaring at her. "It was probably the Bond," she adds hastily.

"But you felt _my_ pain?"

"Yeah. I guess it's because you're my best mate. The General felt it when Han died, and he didn't have an ounce of Force sensitivity."

"But it didn't feel like a Bond?"

Rey shakes her head. "I'm stuck with Kylo, I'm afraid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Om nom nom, the comment box is hungry for your input!
> 
> Or, y'know, we can just SQUEE about how there are less than two weeks until TLJ.


	3. Tangential

"What do you do when you're bored?"

"Like now?" Kylo asks sarcastically. Rey rolls her eyes.

"Like if you had free time and could do any leisure activity."

He stops to think. "I would always practice my forms."

Rey shakes her head. "That's not _leisure_."

"I suppose..." he says, furrowing his brow, "I suppose I like to read."

She claps her hands. "Okay! What sort of subjects entertain you?"

"Are you here to torment me with things I can never have?" Kylo asks. He flops onto his cot and closes his eyes. He has had no entertainment for his entire incarceration. Why would she bring this up now?

"No." She puts her hands on her hips when he eyes her incredulously. "I promise."

He takes a deep breath. "History, sociology, theology... those sorts of things." Rey pulls a face. "You asked. Why?"

"Because I want to thank you," she says promptly. "You helped me when I was having difficulty, and it's only fair that I give you something in return. I-"

"Did you rehearse a speech?" Kylo asks.

Rey blushes. "Maybe."

"You don't have to be so formal. It's not like we're strangers. And you already thanked me."

"Would you rather I _not_ get you holos to read?"

"I didn't say that," he says quickly.

She half-smiles and turns to leave. "I still don't know what to call you," she says from the doorway.

"I still don't know what I ought to be called."

===== 

 Master Luke has failsafes, he says. One is an item and the other is an ability.

He has gotten fragments of a Void Stone, which cuts off all ties to the Force for anyone within a hundred meters. He will put those in place immediately and remove them incrementally. He also knows how to Dampen. He will essentially blanket Kylo with the Force to limit Kylo's own abilities. Rey asks if they can't just give him a power here and there as a reward, but Luke says that's not how the Force works. Still determined to keep Kylo impotent, she presses Luke to give the prisoner non-Force-based rewards as "gestures of goodwill". It's much safer for everyone.

Loath as he is to admit it, Master Luke confides that there is a modicum of merit to his sister's plan. "And I have two failsafes," he reminds her. "Don't be afraid. Fear leads to anger."

Sometimes she wants to smack the serenity out of him.

=====

"I take it you know my uncle's plan?" Kylo asks. "That's what has you so frustrated?"

"Bingo," Rey replies, not bothering to hide her bitterness. "Though you have it wrong. It's your mum's plan. Master Luke is reticent."

"I suppose that's why he has those contingencies in place," he says archly. His eyebrows are raised and he is looking at her curiously. She realizes that he isn't aware of the true nature of the contingencies and smirks.

"Oh, yes. Ordinarily I would consider chains barbaric, but in your case..."

"Chains?" he asks.

"I know, they're easy enough to unlock with the Force. That's why Master Luke insisted upon the crowns of silk. The General didn't like that idea- who wants a floating Force-Sensitive parasite on a base with only _one_ bad guy? Master Luke told her it was either the crowns or blinded akk dogs, so she went with it. Though, come to think of it, I've heard that akk dogs make good pets. I might ask for one." She is smiling at him, not unkindly, and then she laughs.

"You're joking?"

"Of course I'm joking."

"Crowns of silk aren't exactly something to make light of," he grumbles.

"If you think they're bad, you'll hate what he really has. And I'm not joking this time."

He eyes her warily and makes a dismissive gesture. She leaves.

He wonders what could be worse than a creature cutting him off from the Force for a short time.

He doesn't have to wonder for long.

=====

Rey won't go near his cell no matter how much the General and Master Luke plead. It's the Void Stone fragments- they make her feel like she is her clothes but not her skin, like she is starving and thirsty and lonely (so, so lonely), like she could curl up and die and be complacent about it. Was this how it felt to be Severed?

He's asking for her, she is told. It must be worse for him. He knew about the Force before she was born. He was adept at it before she was born. Probably a prodigy, she thinks, with his blood and resources. And Snoke, of course.

Master Luke wants to know why she won't visit "Ben".

"I'm afraid," she admits. "Not of him. I'm afraid of the stones, about how they make me feel."

"Fear leads-"

"To anger. I know." Rey sighs. "What could he possibly have to say to me anyway? It's not like we're friends or anything."

"You could be," Master Luke says.

Rey looks at him with revulsion. "He _murdered_ -"

"I know," he says sharply. "I felt it. But how many times must I tell you about my father before you actually learn the lesson? People can do horrible things and still be redeemed. My sister's family, her whole _planet_ , was destroyed before her eyes, and the man responsible was the one who ultimately killed the Emperor. Rey, I don't know how to make things any more clear to you."

"Are you saying you think your nephew will kill Snoke?"

"No. Prophecy- that's unreliable at best and dangerous at worst. It's best not to tempt one's self. The point is that Vader did monstrous things, but he also atoned. None of us is all Dark or all Light. That's not how nature works. We must strive to be as good as we can, but it's a fight- harder for some than others. If we give up on Ben, we are shunning the Light. We are saying that we have someone in need but are choosing not to help. We are pushing him even further from the Light than he already is, and he cannot heal until and unless he is back on the right path."

It is the phrase _choosing not to help_ that hits her.

"I'll talk to him." She twists her lips as if she has eaten something sour. "But I won't like it."

"I'd probably go into cardiac arrest if you did." Master Luke smiles.

=====

"Have you decided what you want to call me?" he asks.

Rey arches an eyebrow. Her skin itches and she feels compelled to _run, run, run_ from this place and its wicked stones. "Is that really why you asked for me?"

"No," Kylo admits. "Did you know what he was going to do to me?"

"Yes," she admits. "I can promise you that I hate it- mostly for my sake. It makes everything around here feel awful. But this is the 'backup', if that makes you feel better."

"It doesn't."

Rey snorts. "I imagine not. Why _did_ you ask me to come, then?"

Kylo sighs, shifts his weight from foot to foot. Rey would say that he almost looks nervous, if he were anyone else. He scratches his head and looks at the floor. "You're the only person I really care to talk to," he says. "The General and Luke come here frequently, and Poe has stopped by a few times, but it's all inane or duplicitous. You might be unpleasant, but at least you're honest."

She is taken aback. Rey has done her best to irritate him, and he prefers her company?

"That's kind of screwed up."

"Isn't this entire situation?"

"You have me there," Rey says. "I thought that the only way you'd end up in Resistance hands was as a corpse."

"Killed by you?" Kylo smiles at this.

"More than likely. Your mum would never forgive Master Luke if he killed you. Me, on the other hand... Well, when it's kill or be killed, I know which one I'll choose every time."

"99% of the time I would say that's the best way to think. You needn't have worried about me killing you, though."

Rey sits on the duracrete floor; Kylo follows suit. "Were your orders to take me alive?"

"The Supreme Leader wanted to meet you, yes, but that isn't why. There are so few Force users left-"

"-because you killed them all-"

"-that it would be a shame to destroy one with such immense potential."

She studies him, as she often does when they are alone. "You're not telling me everything," she accuses, voice lacking malice.

"No, I'm not," Kylo says with a shrug. "Isn't it just too bad that the Force is out of your reach here?"

"Keep being a git and I'm leaving," she says, scowling.

Kylo raises his hands in mock surrender. His half-smile grates Rey's nerves, making her scowl all the harder. "Maybe I'll tell you some day."

Rey arches an eyebrow, curiosity piqued. "When?"

"When I have a name, I suppose."

=====

"He's absolutely maddening," Rey vents.

She is careful in her choice of words around Poe. He takes insults against Kylo grudgingly on good days and as personal slights on bad days. Rey wonders what it's like for him, having his friend twisted into a monster, but still defending him. She tries to imagine how he feels, to put herself in his shoes, but she has only so recently made friends that the idea of a loving person changing so completely baffles her. She can't picture Finn in a mask, even though she knows he once wore one. In her limited experience with people, she finds them to be constant. They are two-faced, they leave, or they shine like stars that guide you home. There is little overlap.

"He always was annoying," Poe says lightly, digging in to his dinner with gusto.

"Annoying?" Finn sputters. " _Terrifying_. I knew a guy who pissed his pants at the mention of him once."

Poe's hands still. "He wasn't like that when I knew him."

Finn slams a fist onto the table. He stares at Poe, locking eyes with him. "You haven't known him for a long time. When I knew him- the day you and I met- he annihilated an entire innocent village. You need to cut it out with the defending him stuff."

"I _know_ he's done bad things, Finn! I know better than you. He tortured me. _Me_ , his best friend. So he could get a navigational chart to go _kill his uncle_. Yes, he's a bad guy. But people change. He wasn't always bad and I think he can be good again. It can't happen if no one gives him a damn chance!"

Poe starts to rise, but Rey puts a hand on his. "The General agrees with you, Poe. I can't tell you what we're doing, but Master Luke is working on something. He's being given a chance. Please sit down. We'll talk about something else."

=====

"You've got my friends at each others' throats," she tells him.

Kylo furrows his brow. "How? I never leave this cell." It is difficult to hear him. He is on his cot, facing the wall.

"Poe says there's good in you. Finn... not so much."

"And Poe defends me?" He turns to face her. His face is unshaven and wan.

"Passionately."

" _Why_?"

"Because you were friends once. And I think that's what friends do."

He snorts derisively. "How would you know? You're just a little girl alone on an imaginary island."

She leaves.

=====

Luke has been slowly removing the fragments of Void Stones bit by bit over the course of a few weeks.

"It won't shock his system, and I'll be able to get a feel for what he's capable of if it's done gradually rather than all at once," he tells Rey. "I'll have to return his abilities elsewhere, preferably while he's unconscious, and bring him back here. He won't feel a huge difference until only one or two fragments remain."

Privately, Rey thinks Kylo deserves to have a little shock, especially since he's about to get the Force back for no reason other than to hope that the gesture will make him play nice.

"You haven't visited him in a while."

"He irritated me."

"There's a lesson to be learned from that."

Rey nods. She knows. She's thankful that she doesn't get a lecture on how anger leads to hate, _blah, blah, blah_ , but the gentle nudge is almost as frustrating. She sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RAWR, FEED ME YOUR ...feedback. Please. <3
> 
> I did a lot of things in this fic that I swore I'd never do (Force Bond, persistent present tense, shifting narrator, and MORE!), so I'd really like to know what you think.


	4. Perpendicular

You look like your dad," Rey says.

That gets his attention. Kylo is distracted and unkempt, but his eyes shoot to her when she says this. " _Excuse me_?"

"I said that you look like your dad."

"I heard you the first time." He runs a hand through his long, filthy hair. "Why did you say it?"

"Because it's true. If someone stood you next to the General I wouldn't necessarily see the resemblance, but Han... You're definitely not the blue milkman's kid."

"I meant why did you bring up my father?" He looks equal parts angry and exhausted, fists clenched, bags under his eyes.

"I don't know. I just... noticed it. I didn't say it to bug you."

He sighs. "The worst part is that I think you mean that."

Rey furrows her brow. "Why is that bad?"

His eyes bore into hers and she feels a sudden electricity seize her, starting at her feet and moving up to the base of her neck. "Do you really have to ask that?"

"Yes. Why is that bad?"

"Go play with your friends, Rey." He slumps on his cot.

"No. Tell me." She doesn't understand, doesn't even really remember the question completely, she just knows that this is important and he's hiding it and she needs to know.

"Go away," he says again.

"Why do you look like you haven't seen a 'fresher in weeks?" she tries.

"Because I haven't. Leave."

And she does.

=====

When she tells General Organa that Kylo has been denied the use of a 'fresher, the General shakes her head sadly.

"He's refusing to take care of himself. He used to be such a fastidious boy. He's not eating much, either. It's-" she takes a shaky breath. "He's my _son_ , Rey. I'm watching him self-destruct and I can't do anything about it."

"Maybe once Master Luke gives him back the Force..." Rey tries, smiling weakly.

The General looks unconvinced. "Maybe," she parrots.

=====

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

She gestures up and down. "This. Not keeping clean, not eating. Why?"

"Why do you care?" Kylo challenges.

Rey flushes. Why _does_ she care? For General Organa's sake? No; she had cared enough to take the matter _to_ her. For Poe's sake? Again, no. She resolutely avoids talking about Kylo at all when around Poe now. For Master Luke? Maybe a little, but that still doesn't sit right in her mind.

"Because everyone deserves a decent quality of life."

"Even monsters who kill their fathers?"

Rey grits her teeth. "Take a bath, Kylo."

As she leaves, she hears him call out to her. "Don't call me that!"

=====

He is awoken by a bucket of freezing water on his head. His limbs flail out, but they are pinned with strong hands and the Force. Has it all been a dream? The rescue? Because he can't imagine Luke using torture on him. But he still doesn't feel the Force in his own veins, so it must be Rey administering part of the torture.

Rey... and he had thought she was beginning to like him, or at least feel sympathetic towards him. He can't blame her for exacting revenge; it's what he would do. What he would have done, once upon a time in the not-so-distant past. Then he hears her cheerful voice.

"I _told_ you to use the 'fresher!"

His limbs are free and he blinks the icy water from his eyes. Rey and Luke grin down at him.

"You dumped cold water on me," Kylo says dumbly.

"We did," Luke replies.

"And held me down with the Force."

"That was me. Sorry, but you really need to get clean. Desperate times and all that." Rey is practically glowing, and he feels sick to his stomach. Why is she here, ostensibly helping him?

"You stopped inhibiting the Force, Uncle."

"I did. And, should you get yourself back to a healthy weight and more hygienic disposition, we can talk about getting the Force back _for you_."

Kylo stares at him, unblinking and silent. He stands, towering over both Luke and Rey, and points toward his cell door.

Luke knits together his eyebrows. "Ben, don't you-"

"Get out."

Luke frowns, but Rey takes him by the arm and signals a guard to open the door.

=====

When Rey returns two days later, he is clean-shaven and his hair is damp.

"So..." she begins. "That was not the reaction we expected."

"It was not an offer I expected," he counters lightly, tapping a holobook.

"You're certainly less grimy. Are you going to take Master Luke up on it?"

"No," he says firmly.

"Ha, ha. Very funny."

"I mean it." He taps the holo again.

Incredulous, Rey asks, "Why not?"

"Think about it." _Tap, tap._

"There's nothing to think about. Snoke took your Force abilities. Master Luke can give them back. You should be jumping at the chance!"

"Well, I'm not." _Tap, tap, tap._

"What is wrong with you?" Her voice is increasing in pitch, and she sounds harsh even to herself.

"Do you _really_ want me to answer that? You probably don't have all day." He moves to tap the holo again, but it flies from his hands and into a wall, its insides spilling out. Kylo gives an indignant cry.

"Pay attention to me!" Rey demands, seething.

Kylo laughs mirthlessly. "That's all I do, sweetheart."

"Excuse me?"

"Figure it out. You're a smart woman."

"Then pretend I'm not. Pretend you're cryptic and snarky and won't ever give me a straight answer about anything."

"Ooh, a game of pretend? Okay. Let's also pretend that you have a family who loves you and that you were good enough for them."

Rey snorts. "Sorry, I played that game for a long time. And you're not scaring me away this time. I'll sleep here if I have to. I'm sick of you always insinuating things and then dancing around them."

"You really can't put two and two together, can you?"

"Just be direct with me. Please."

"I will," he says. "Just not yet."

Rey grinds her teeth. "Then _when_?"

"When you figure out what to call me."

"And if I never think of something?" she asks, exasperated.

"Then you'll need to hone your critical thinking skills."

=====

Rey thinks about giving up on the mystery of not-Ben not-Ren not-Kylo, but she has never been a quitter. The small part of her that pitied him when she felt his torment rears its head. He is a _person_. He is largely without something that defined him from birth, and for some reason he doesn't want it back. It's a puzzle she can't turn from. _He_ is something she can't turn from, a wrecked ship whose blaze is still burning. Her curiosity is a new creature. On Jakku, curiosity got you killed.

She wants to turn over all of the things he has said in her mind and examine them with scrutiny. Somewhere in there, beneath the sarcasm, are answers. Somewhere in there a name is hiding.

Meditation fatigues her some days. On one such day, Poe approaches her with a nutrient-rich snack. She tries to chew with her mouth closed. Manners are still a work in progress.

"Has he given you a nickname yet?" Poe asks. Rey starts. She has pointedly avoided the topic of "Ben" with Poe since the lunchroom fight. She didn't think he would ever broach the subject.

"He called me 'sweetheart' once," she says slowly. 

Poe laughs until his face is red. "That's what Han called the General."

"Oh." Rey doesn't know what this means, only that it means _something_.

"I think he likes you," Poe says. Rey chokes on her food.

"Not a chance. Literally the nicest thing he ever said to me is that he didn't want to kill me."

"And he called you a sexy nickname. He reserves nicknames for a select few."

"We rarely do anything other than fight. He said it when we were bickering."

"Doesn't matter. I know him. He likes you." Poe tweaks her nose. "And you don't hate him."

"I don't hate him anymore," Rey concedes. "But that doesn't mean I fancy him."

He sighs. "Just so you know... I appreciate what you're doing."

"Yeah? I despised it at first. I still don't like it a lot of the time. He's so unpleasant. But he's not as bad as he used to be."

Poe looks at the ground. He neither smiles nor frowns, but his jaw muscles tighten visibly. "Good. I'm glad. I just wish Finn and everyone-" He presses his fingertips to his closed eyes. "It's hard, you know? Ben was my best friend until he went to the Academy. We kept in touch even after he left. Then when the news about the General broke, _he_ broke. I don't understand why he took it so hard, and I've never tried to justify what he did. He's done terrible things. I _get_ it. I don't need Finn to remind me. It hurts, too, because he knows that it gets to me when he says shit about Ben, and he does it anyway. I- _care_ about Finn. But I can't look at him sometimes. So I'm glad Ben isn't as bad as he used to be- mostly because it's great for him to not be evil anymore, but if he's making progress then there's nothing to fight about."

"You- you and Finn?" Rey asks, eyes wide. Crumbs fall from her lips.

Poe's lips twist. "Well, it doesn't look that way anymore."

"I can talk to him. You know, tell him Kylo- Ben- is getting less terrible."

"Nah," Poe says. "If he doesn't figure out on his own that he needs to avoid that topic after all of the fights we've already had, we wouldn't work. Communication is the most important ingredient in relationships. That's what my mom always used to say."

Rey smiles, puts her hand on Poe's shoulder. "I hope it works out."

"Thanks, Rey."

His thousand-watt grin is back, and Poe is sauntering away. Rey can't find the serenity necessary for meditation again.

=====

"I have a theory," Rey says, pacing before his cell.

"Do tell."

"You actually have nothing substantive, no secret, to tell me. You're just trying to mess with me."

"Swing and a miss, sweetheart."

Rey flushes at the moniker. "Don't call me that."

Kylo pounces. "Why not?"

"I don't like it."

"It suits you so well, though. You're a delightful conversationalist, and such a caring soul."

"Don't be a dick, _Benji_."

"Oh, sweetheart, I don't think that's the name for me either."

Petulantly, Rey sticks out her tongue. "Did Poe tell you to call me that?"

He blinks, surprised. She and Poe talk about him? She _had_ said that there had been fights between her friends regarding him. But conversation? The notion is a strange one. He is almost in a stupor when he answers her. "No. Is there a story behind it?"

Her blush fascinates him. He wonders why she looks at her toes, holds her breath. He uses what little he can of the Force to feel her emotions. She's embarrassed. He catches a glimpse of a memory- Poe laughing. She is biting her lip now. He wonders what she is trying not to say.

"A bit," she says tersely. "It's a long story, though."

"I'm in a cell," Kylo deadpans. "I have nothing but time." He has to force himself not to smile at the way she squirms uncomfortably.

Her embarrassment is endearing, he thinks. As soon as he scolds himself for the thought, he reminds himself of all of his sins. So many sins. He can't bring himself to be sorry for most of them. He knows, objectively, that certain things he did were wrong, but he doesn't regret them. They made him who he is. Whoever that may be.

"Be that as it may," Rey says, interrupting his musings, "I'm not telling you."

"Then I'll have to keep calling you sweetheart."

"Please don't." Her voice is tiny. The emotion she projects is something he can't identify. She is sad, desperate, hopeful, and something else.

They sit in silence for the rest of her visit.   

=====

When she sees Finn with his arm around the pretty mechanic, Rey knows Poe's hopes have been dashed. Finn's eyes are bright when he looks at Rose, and she makes him laugh.

It's a slow process, this grief. Rose begins to sit with them at meals. Rey likes her well enough; she's whip smart and knows her way around a ship. But the dynamic has changed, physically and emotionally. Rey now sits beside Poe, who stares at Finn and Rose's clasped fingers sadly from time to time.

It seems to her that she has seen those eyes before- those sad, pleading, lonely eyes- but she doesn't remember where. She recalls Maz Kanata saying something about there being a few "types" of eyes. She is on a base with thousands of people; they could be anyone's.

She grabs Poe's shoulder after breakfast, asking the question with her countenance. He half-smiles and shakes his head. "Communication," he says. "It would never have worked. She's a good gal, don't you think?" Rey nods.

"Can we talk later?" she asks abruptly. "It's not about this-it's about, well, you know..."

"Sure," Poe says.

=====

"He needs a name."

"His name is Ben Solo," Poe replies, confused.

"He doesn't accept that. He also doesn't accept Kylo or Ren. He's keeping secrets but has promised to tell me if I come up with a satisfactory name." Rey exhales sharply, irritated and hopeful all at once.

Poe cocks his head. "What about Skywalker? You know, because of the whole grandfather worship thing."

Rey bites her lip. "That's what he's called Master Luke for years. I don't think it has any positive feelings attached to it."

"True." They sit in pensive, serene silence for a moment, curled on Poe's bed. The standard-issue mattress is thin and uncomfortable, but the pillow Rey hugs is fluffy and warm. "Does he hate the General as much as he did Han?"

"He's not overly fond of her, but no. I don't think he hates her."

BB-8 rolls out from the shadows and whistles excitedly in Binary. "Really?" Rey asks the droid. "I didn't know that."

"Me either," Poe says. "Then again, few people know anything about Alderaan these days."

Rey looks from BB-8 to Poe and back again. "Worth a try?"

Poe gives a little nod; BB-8 gives his version of a thumbs-up.

=====

"A little droid told me something interesting about Alderaanian families."

"Oh?" he asks. He turns to face her. They sit on the floor; if not for the transparisteel wall, their proximity could be described as intimate.

"Apparently they're rather matriarchal."

The prisoner nods. "The older families."

"Correct me if I'm wrong- didn't men take a woman's name when marrying sometimes?"

"That's what Mother said."

Rey has to trample down the ball of happiness that expands from her core when he calls the General 'Mother'. It was so unconsciously done, a slip of the tongue. Surely that means something. Still, she says nothing on that and presses forward.

"Well, I was thinking. If female lineage is, er, _was_ , important on Alderaan, and you're stuck on family as a source of meaning or however you see it- Why not look at the Organas? We can find your name there. It doesn't have to be a Skywalker thing."

"I'm not an Organa." It is said with vitriol, spat like poison.

"Why, because they _adopted_ your mum?" Rey's voice is rising. "That's crinking ridiculous!" She knows she needs to calm down, but can't he see, can he really not see it? "The Organas were the only family she knew for almost twenty years, so-"

"That's not why."

It is almost a whisper. She doesn't know how it carried, how she heard it, how it stopped her. Such a quiet noise, piercing her gospel. She thinks of gnats. The sound was a gnat, and she was the bellowing beast. She relaxes her breathing. "Then why?"

He hesitates. "They were good."

Rey waits for the rest. "...And?"

"And that's it."

They look at one another and a naked truth reveals itself to Rey.

"You don't want a name. You don't think you deserve one."

"Swing and a hit, sweetheart."

She puts her fingers on the clear wall between them, presses her palm to the surface. Slowly, he mimics her actions. They are hand-to-hand, nearly touching, separated by his sins. She rests her forehead against the barrier, breath sending out little puffs of fog.

"It's not up to you," she says quietly, closing her eyes. "You don't get to decide if somebody else forgives you. Nothing erases the past, but it doesn't have to define the future."

"Some things," he begins, "some things can't be forgiven. I can't be forgiven for killing my father because he isn't here to forgive me. A thing like that... it _does_ define the future. It shapes every moment." 

"Only how you tell it to. You can let it hold you back or you can learn from it."

"And if learning from it made me decide to hold myself back?"

Rey's eyebrows knit. "I don't understand."

"I don't want you to."

"Why not?"

"You really don't know?"

"Well, if you won't take a name you're going to have to start being a lot more forthcoming because you can be downright frustrating." They laugh in tandem, and it feels good.

"You could always just take the information from me."

"I don't like doing that, and I think you were counting on that."

He shrugs one shoulder.

They regard one another again, slowly appraising each inch of skin and strand of hair. Rey's face flushes pink.

"It's getting late," she says. "Goodnight, Ben."

He doesn't correct or contradict her.

=====

 She wakes in the middle of the night with a start.

"Snoke didn't Sever him from the Force. He did it to himself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how I told you to _pay attention_ at the beginning of Chapter One? The language was very deliberate ;)
> 
> Comments are appreciated!
> 
> Or we can talk about that TV spot last night-- the one with the lightsaber. You know the one I mean. I'm trying not to be spoiler-y. I need to SCREAM about that TV spot, okay??


	5. Intersecting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...in which my love for undercover ops rears its head XD
> 
> I also reference Bloodline.

He can feel her fury well before she arrives.

"Why?" she demands.

He arches an eyebrow.

"Why?" she repeats, more vehemently this time.

"You'll have to be more specific." He puts a pillow over his face.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you karking huk!"

"Such language."

She can hear his smile and wants to hit him, wants to go into his mind like he went into hers, but she knows these feelings aren't hers. He's purposefully projecting what little he can. She won't let him influence her. She wonders what the end game of such influence would be in the long run.

"Why?" she asks again, anger lacing her tone.

"Are you going to tell Luke?"

Rey blinks, caught off guard. He has used his uncle's first name. "Give me a reason not to."

"If I have your word, then I might tell you why."

She bites her lip, drawing a bead of blood. "Fine." She crosses her arms across her chest and stares at him, eyes meeting his. "If I'm satisfied with your answer, I won't tell Master Luke."

"And if you aren't satisfied with my answer?"

"You'd better be extremely thorough, because my dissatisfaction means I'm waking up everyone on this base who loves you and inviting them for tea."

"It'll be a small tea party," he says.

"Either you start talking or I do."

"It's... difficult," he says, shifting uncomfortably on his cot. "I had to make sure they didn't have an immediate reason to kill me. I've done terrible things and I know I'll be put to death at some point, but if I wasn't a true danger to the Republic, they would let me live longer." His eyes glisten from the far wall.

"So it was for selfish reasons," Rey scoffs.

"Yes, but not in the way you're thinking." He folds his arms over his chest and leans back. "If- _when_ I die, my mother will be devastated. Luke will be sad. Poe might miss me a little. But someone else has to bear a greater problem.

"You probably know that I killed General Hux. You don't know why. I never wanted you to know why. He... caught me in a compromising position. With you. I was talking to you- an image of you. He heard me. He would have told the Supreme Leader. I had hated him for years, and with this threat hanging over me- _treason_ \- I knew it was time to finish it. So I killed him. I knew I would be punished. I knew it would be worse than usual. I knew that I wasn't the only one feeling it." He gives her a pointed look. "I didn't care sometimes, honestly. I deserved to be punished, and anything that came through on your end wasn't my problem. I decided to Sever the Force right after I killed Hux. I thought it was a fitting punishment. If the Supreme Leader disagreed, he would just give it back. I thought he would. He didn't. I heard you thinking about rescuing me. I heard the name _Ben Solo_ and loved how angry it made you. I didn't resist when you came for me. I was fairly certain that I wouldn't be killed by that point.

"But your question will extend, I'm sure, beyond why I did it in the first place. You want to know why I don't want Luke to restore the Force. And that's the answer that I wish you would figure out on your own."

Rey nods. "I saw you kill him. But what were you doing with an image of me that was worth killing a man?"

His eyes find the floor and stay there. "That doesn't fall into the parameters of the question of Severing."

"Yes it does!" Rey insists. "It was the launching point. You interacted with the image. He saw you. _Because_ he saw you, you killed him. _Because_ you killed him, you Severed your connection."

"I was talking to the holo of you asleep in the interrogation chamber," he says quietly.

"Oh." Rey furrows her brow, steps closer to the transparisteel barrier. "What could you possibly have said to an old holo that would cause such a mess?"

He smiles, a tiny thing. "Haven't you guessed?"

She shakes her head. "Please," she entreats, "please, just tell me everything."

"I don't know how, sweetheart. I'm not the most loquacious person. I really don't know how."

Mirroring words he has said to her before, she replies, "I believe you."

"And Luke?" She can hear the tense catch in his voice, the nervous undertone he failed to hide.

"I won't tell Luke. Yet."

=====

Rey doesn't sleep. She sits at the small desk in her room and begins to write. It isn't a proper list or a cohesive paragraph; it is a series of thoughts, feelings, memories, and hearsay.

_Doesn't want the Force back. Wants me to figure out why. Wants me to figure out a lot. Didn't he say I need to work on my critical thinking? Maybe that was for the name thing. He didn't get mad when I called him Ben. He calls me sweetheart. Han called General O sweetheart. Poe thinks this means he likes me. In what way? But Kylo/Ben hated his parents, so he could be calling me sweetheart because he DOESN'T like me. I think he's Ben, but a new Ben. He won't keep Han's name. He called him his father once or twice. Only needs a surname. Will he really tell me what he's hiding if I come up with a name for him? No. That's a ploy because he can just refuse any name._

_He said that General Hux was going to report him for treason. How is it treason to talk to a holo of a prisoner? What did he say to holo-Rey? Is it really something that should be obvious? Who is the fourth person to be hurt by his death? Who would bear a "bigger burden" than General O?_

_Me. I would go mad if he died. He said he knew I could handle life, but not the Force. That kriffing Bond. So he thinks that by having his ties to the Force Severed, I'll be okay when he's executed. 1) I'll have to ask Master Luke if it works like that. 2) Why does he care if I go crazy? I don't think it matters WHY he cares, only that he DOES. Also, didn't he say that he always notices me or something like that?_

_Poe was right. He likes me. Fancies me. No, you don't do those things for someone you fancy. He loves me._

_Maker, what do I do with that?! I mean, I don't hate him. I like him. Never thought I'd say that. But I don't love him._

_I still want to know what he said to that holo, now more than ever._

She knows now, too, where she has seen those eyes- Poe's sad, pleading, lonely eyes. She has been seeing them every time she looks at the man in the cell.

=====

"You didn't yell at me when I called you Ben," she says.

Dawn has just broken. She has bags under her eyes and her hair is a mess. He looks much the same.

"I didn't."

She sits, knees touching the transparisteel wall, and waves him over. He mimics her position.

"How long?" she asks, voice shaking. She cannot meet his eyes. He feels her honesty, knows that she isn't feinting.

"A year before you captured me, give or take."

"Why?"

"Why do I feel that way?"

"Yes. We tried to kill each other. I thought you hated me."

"I did. For a long time. But hate and love aren't mutually exclusive, it seems." His lips twitch. "They're both driven by passion. I was jealous. My Master also pointed out my compassion for you. I was trying to figure out how you, a garbage picker from the Rim, could have such power. I watched you in that interrogation room over and over. It was like torture. One day, I thought, 'how beautiful this creature is when she is manipulating minds'! The thought devolved until it was simply 'how beautiful she is'! How beautiful. Those two words..."

"I'm not beautiful," Rey interrupts.

He continues as if he has not heard her. "I can't hide my emotions well, but I'm better at hiding my thoughts. The Supreme Leader didn't know I thought that of you. Hux found out. He came upon me whispering... endearments to you. He was always annoyingly good at resisting mind tricks, so I killed him before he could report me. I've already told you why I Severed after that. So now you know." He shifts uncomfortably on the floor.

"I like you, Ben," she says slowly. "I didn't think it possible, but I do. So last night, after I put the pieces together, I did some research and some work.

"First I went to Master Luke. Don't worry, I didn't tell him anything. I asked if, with your connection Severed, I would still go mad should you die. He wondered why I was asking and it took a fair bit of deflecting, but I got my answer. Yes. Even if you felt next to nothing in the Force, I could still go off the deep end. In fact, my own death is apparently a possible outcome. If you're punishing yourself like this for my sake, it's doing no good.

"After I spoke with Master Luke, I went to General Organa. She wasn't surprised to see me in the middle of the night, which is disconcerting. I asked her what the Republic planned to do with you. I thought she either wouldn't know or that she'd say 'execution', but neither of those were the case. She said that legally Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, and the man in this cell are different men. There are only a handful of people who know who you were- as Kylo Ren _or_ as Ben Solo. Kylo Ren always wore a mask and had full control of the Force. No one has seen Ben Solo for nearly fifteen years; he was also a Force-user. The man in the cell can't even summon things. He's been a model prisoner. He is being classified as a 'John Doe' right now, a First Order sympathizer who may have information.

"Vice Admiral Holdo, who does not know who you are, has made a motion for your parole provided you give substantial information about the First Order's infrastructure. There are five people who will vote on your parole, Holdo included. Three are needed to pass a motion. Your mother is on the committee, so there's an automatic vote. I'm not sure about anyone else. I don't know all of them. The General is optimistic, though."

"Optimistic," he says dumbly. "What makes you think I even want to go free? I don't deserve it."

She puts the pads of her fingers on the barrier. "I told you already; you don't get to decide if you're forgiven."

"If I tell them who I am, parole would be off the table in an instant."

"Then don't tell them."

His face screws up and he chokes on his words. "Why shouldn't I? I've done awful things, and I'm not sorry for a lot of them. I can't take back any of them. Who is to say that I won't go right back to the First Order?"

"I do," she replies evenly. "And you won't tell Holdo or anyone else who you are because it will hurt the people who you refuse to admit you love." He stares at her for a long moment; she smiles. "Swing and a hit?"

"Swing and a hit, sweetheart," he replies.

=====

They had code-named him Nelruben Sindian. His eyes had gone wide when he heard the surname; Leia simply said that it was strategic and that she would brief him on the way.

Rey paces outside the durasteel doors of the conference room. She knows that she could use the Force to hear the thoughts of everyone in there, that she could discover whether or not they found Kylo-Ben-Nelruben sincere. But she doesn't. Because, nervous as she is, these people are her family.

General Organa, Vice Admiral Holdo, Captain Ematt, Major Brance, and Admiral Statura are asking question after question. Rey can feel anger, anticipation, fear, but, most potently, hope, coming from the strategy room. Voices raise and hush, take sharp and soft edges. She feels a little _poke_ in her subconscious. Is Kylo (or is he fully Ben again?) trying to reach out to her?

It is Master Luke's words that reach her. "A watched pot never boils."

She turns to him, picking at her fingernails. "It will if the fire is hot enough."

"Walk with me."

Reluctantly, she takes his proffered arm and they stroll leisurely. Rey expects theirs to be a silent walk, an exercise in meditation. She is happy to be wrong.

"You used to hate my nephew. You would tell me in no uncertain terms that the boy I loved was dead. What changed?"

She exhales through her nose. "Spending time with him. He's a pain, and he's still not the boy you knew. We're friends now. I don't know how it happened; he never stopped being a jerk. Maybe I just... saw through the act."

"He loves you."

She blushes scarlet and nods.

"Rey, do you want him to be free?"

She stops walking, jolting Luke to a halt. "I want _him_ to want to be free," she says carefully, "but I don't know what _I_ want."

He tugs her gently; they continue walking. "He won't fight for himself unless someone else is fighting for him. He needs validation. Right now he's thinking 'Why should I try when no one will help me? I am obviously not worth it. I should give up'. That's just how Ben is. It's one of the reasons Snoke was able to manipulate him so easily. He preyed on that young man's insecurities." Luke shakes his head, eyes on the horizon. "Even if you aren't sure what you want, pretend. Put everything you have into projecting support that he can feel in the Force. Don't let him know you're uncertain. If he suspects and they grant him parole, Snoke will have an easier time tempting him back."

Rey nods. "Do you think they'll let him go?"

"Yes," Master Luke says frankly. "They would let Ben Solo go, too. But Leia's got political know-how that I can't fathom, so he's Carise Sindian's bastard half-brother."

"Who is Carise Sindian?"

"She's the one who outed Leia and me as being Darth Vader's children. She was too smart to do it openly, so she manipulated a friend of Leia's into doing it on the Senate floor. Nasty business. Leia got her stripped of her titles, but she's still out there somewhere, no doubt plotting assassinations and doing other nasty First Order business."

"Why make Ky- Ben her brother?"

"It makes the other people in that room more sympathetic towards Leia, and therefore more likely to follow her lead. Also, the bastard issue comes into play when my sister reveals the father of 'Nelruben'."

Rey's jaw drops. "General Organa is going to present him as _Han's_ illegitimate son?"

Master Luke's eyes crinkle. "He's her newfound stepson, a piece of the husband she just lost. If the sympathy gained from hearing the name _Sindian_ isn't enough, that'll do it. It also explains his uncanny resemblance."

"She's _insane_."

"She's one of today's greatest political minds."

"They're not mutually exclusive. Genius and insanity can be the same thing."

"They can, at that. So can love and hate. Let's take another turn about the base and then head to the mess. You look like you could use some caf."

=====

Ben closes his eyes. He hates this. He hates having yet another name. He wants nothing more than to...

To what?

Go to Lake Country on Naboo and visit his grandmother's villa?

Return to Yavin IV and atone?

Visit a system he's never heard of and stay there forever?

All of this, all of this and none of it.

Yet for now, he is Nelruben Sindarin, Ben for short (thank the Maker for small mercies). He is the embittered bastard of Han Solo who left the First Order when he found out they killed the father he wished he knew. A room full of people tell him that the family resemblance is strong. He is the half-brother of Carise, whose actions he calls unbecoming of an Elder House. He is the stepson of General Organa, the last bit of her husband that she can cling to because no one has seen _her_ son since that terrible night at the Jedi Praxeum.

_Does it hurt much, Leia, that Han named his_ bastard _Ben as well?_ The question is silent, but he can feel it in the air; all of them can.

He hates this, but he will suffer through it. He owes it to his mother. He owes it to his uncle. He owes it to Poe. He owes it to every child at the Temple. He owes it to Rey. He owes it most especially to his father.

He thinks that he may owe it to himself as well. That is, of course, secondary. Tertiary. But these people keep acting like he _matters_ and he doesn't understand it. He didn't matter five years ago. Ten. Twenty. When did he become someone important?

He hears a delicate cough and looks up. "General?"

"If this committee finds that the information you have provided is accurate and substantive, you will be considered for parole."

He nods curtly. "Thank you, General, Committee."

"We are adjourned. I will escort my... step-son back to his cell."

There are the requisite bows, curtsies, and salutes. For such a motley group, they are remarkably well-organized, he thinks.

Mother and son are silent as they walk across the base. Leia pulls a flask out of a hidden pocket and takes a long sip. She raises an eyebrow and offers it to Ben, who shakes his head. She shrugs and takes another drink. BB-8 rolls by, followed by Poe. He salutes General Organa and claps Ben on the back, smiling all the while. FN- _Finn_ hails Poe, his hand laced with that of a girl in a mechanic's uniform. The girl says something that makes the men laugh, but she only looks cranky. In the hangar, an X-Wing is being painted black. Someone says that if black paint helps scramble radar for TIEs, why shouldn't it work for X-Wings? A woman shouts at him to stay away from her A-Wing. The mess is giving off a heady smell, something rich and full of greens. He tries not to inhale through his nose, but he can't help it. He won't be eating this in his cell. It probably isn't _good_ , but it's better than what he'll be getting.

At last they reach the detainment block. His mother leads him downstairs to the cell furthest from the entrance. As she unlocks the door, she takes his wrist and rests her fingers on his pulse.

"You have always been important," she says. "To me, to your father, to Luke. You were important to us from the moment we knew you existed. You are still important. _Still_. That word right there means that you never stopped being important to your family."

He doesn't respond; she didn't expect him to. She nods sadly as she locks him away. Leia is halfway to the stairs when she hears it.

"Mom?" It is a tiny sound, a broken whisper. She hasn't heard this word from his mouth in so long that it makes her ache. She turns on her heel and nearly runs to him.

"Yes?"

"Rey says I don't get to decide if someone else forgives me."

"I agree with Rey," she says carefully.

"What about the people I've killed? How can I be forgiven for that?"

Leia understands this fractured question. "Their families can forgive you on their behalf. I sent my husband to bring back our son. He died trying. Every day I have to live with knowing that _I sent him there_. But the person who killed Han... I was never angry with him. I was sad. I was so, _so_ sad. If he were looking for forgiveness, I would tell him to stop, because he already has it." She puts her fingers to her lips and then to the transparisteel, pressing her kiss to her lost boy. "I've missed you. And I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five days to TLJ! Mark retweeting Reylo art (and then RTing again to give credit). The deluge of "better post it before it's definitely not canon compliant" fics. That TV spot with the lightsaber! It's a good time to be a Reylo.
> 
> Leave a comment, if you'd be so kind! I survive on the opinions of Internet people. They are my sustenance. 
> 
> I'll probably go ahead and put the last chapter up tomorrow. Crunch time! Its title is "Converging".


	6. Converging

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows kisses* Thank you all for your comments, kudos, and bookmarks <3 
> 
> Have some awkward first-time angsty (light) smut!

"They're flying the mission without me," Rey pouts. "They're hitting one of your targets. If it's a success, you can say goodbye to this cell."

"Why would they go without you?" Ben asks. "I thought you were a great pilot."

"I _am_ a great pilot," she says, stretching her legs before sitting against the wall opposite his cell. "But there's the whole Bond thing to consider."

He flinches. "They're keeping you back because they don't want me to be collateral damage?"

"Something like that," she replies. "You're an informant now. An asset."

"So Luke told the Committee that we have a Force Bond?"

"Absolutely not!" Rey snorts. "But think about it from your mum's perspective. She just got you back, you're almost free. Why jeopardize that by putting me on this raid?"

"Because you're a damn good pilot!"

"I certainly am, and thank you for your faith in my abilities." She winks at him. "But family... No, I couldn't even chance ruining a family that's just beginning to mend."

"It's not even _your_ family," he sneers.

She glares at him, and he feels as though weeks of progress have been undone. "Try again," is all she says. Because they are family.

He takes his time, thinks. "It's not your responsibility to make sure my mother and I reconcile."

Her eyes soften as they meet his. "This is important to General Organa, and even though you'll probably deny it, it means something to you, too. That makes it a priority to me. I will _always_ fight for the people I care about, in battle... or a detainment center."

"You really do think of them as your family," he says, somewhat in awe.

Rey smiles and blushes prettily. "It's part of why I hated you for so long. Family, I mean. I never had one. You did, and then..." She trails off, unwilling to recount his sins.

"I destroyed it," he finishes for her. "And then I mocked you for trying to build your own." Their eyes lock. His shimmer; hers are flinty. "That was rude of me."

A laugh bursts from her chest, full and echoing along the rough hewn walls of the subterranean prison. "That's as close to an apology as I'm going to get, isn't it?" Rey is smiling, the apples of her cheeks red and sore, and he knows she isn't angry.

"Afraid so, sweetheart. I was never good at apologizing. Mother says I got it from Han, but he said it was a _rich person thing_. It's the perfect storm for an uncouth child."

"Uncouth, you say?" A sly grin replaces her cheery smile and her eyes narrow mischievously. "How many languages can you swear in?"

=====

Rey has vague images of Ben in her mind as she readies herself for bed. She strips off her boots, socks, jacket, and trousers. This is how she usually sleeps: in her dirty shirt and a pair of panties. She double-checks the lock on her door and hooks her thumbs in the elastic of her underwear. Taking a deep breath, she pushes them down. They look _wrong_ pooled around her feet, so she kicks them away.

Everything in her bunk room is standard-issue. There are no special amenities for Force-wielders. She closes her standard-issue blinds, takes two steps to her standard-issue bed, and lays atop her scratchy standard-issue covers.   

She has been patient all of her life, but tonight Rey feels a trembling in her lower abdomen that won't go away. It is _hot_ and _demanding_ , and she understands enough biology to know how to handle it.

Rey closes her eyes. Ben's face is a tattoo on her eyelids. His voice echoes in her mind ( _beautiful creature_ ; _sweetheart_ ). She doesn't hesitate to bring her hand between her legs and slide her fingers along her already slick folds. She circles light pressure _right there_ as she inserts her two longest digits into herself, reaching toward that itch. She murmurs his name as her hips jerk, as she twitches her fingertips. She imagines his much larger hands on her, _in_ her, and she presses her thumb roughly against her clit as she pretends that she really _is_ beautiful. Her vision swims and her breath catches in her throat as the waves of exquisitely lonely release crash over her. She whispers his name

She falls asleep with fingers still inside her and dreams of him.

=====

Rey does not visit him for nearly a week, embarrassed and afraid that he might feel her attraction through the Force.

=====

Poe is sitting next to her. They are across from Finn and Rose, who share unconscious loving touches. Rey watches Poe from the corner of her eye, but he seems unconcerned. Perhaps he has moved on, she thinks.

"Parole decision tomorrow," Poe says. "Any insider information?"

Rey gives a little shrug. "The raid went well and they're confirming a lot of the other information. Master Luke seems to think that General Organa's plan is fool-proof."

"How do you feel about that?" he asks frankly.

"I wasn't sure at first. I don't know what he's going to do once that door is unlocked for good. If I knew his plans, maybe I'd feel better. I think he's earned freedom, if that's what you mean."

Poe slurps a spoonful of red gourd soup. "You'd know his plans if you visited him."

She flushes with shame. "I can't right now, Poe. I just can't."

"Because I was right?" He grins and waggles his eyebrows.

"Because you were right."

Rose interrupts, having heard a few key words. "What was Flyboy right about?"

"Someone has a crush on our dear Rey and I called it _months_ ago."

"Who?" Finn asks. His brow is furrowed.

"It doesn't matter," Rey mumbles.

"It absolutely matters. I have to give them the 'You break her heart, I break your face' speech!" Finn protests. "It's my job."

Rose thwacks him on the shoulder and rolls her eyes. "That's chauvinistic. Rey can take care of herself."

"Thank you, Rose," Rey says. She is almost smiling.

Poe pokes her to capture her attention. "Talk to him. Please. Talk to him today."

Half-heartedly, she agrees.

=====

She can practically smell him through the transparisteel. He is as disheveled and unwashed as the day she thought he was being denied the use of a 'fresher. He sits on his cot staring at the wall.

"For someone who might be leaving soon, you sure don't look ready to travel." She tries to sound playful. Instead, she sounds harsh. Bitter.

His eyes don't move. "I haven't had much reason to gussy up."

"Surely you've had visitors."

He shrugs.

"Oh, switch off, Ben! If you're mad at me, be mad at _me_. Don't punish yourself."

"I'm not mad at you. You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you!"

"Then why did you stop coming?"

She turns scarlet. "It's complicated."

"I've got time," he says testily.

"I hope not," she deflects. "The Committee's decision is tomorrow."

"Fine," he huffs. "Don't tell me. But don't call yourself my _friend_ if you're going to ignore me."

She is cut to the quick. Suddenly she is six years old, screaming at a ship that's about to burn lines, begging for the people in it to come back. She doesn't know why they never returned to their scared, screaming child. She will not leave this man, so like her in so many ways.

"You're right," she admits. "I haven't been much of a friend. It wasn't your fault."

He sighs. Though he has Severed himself almost completely, he can still feel emotions. As he is Bonded to Rey, he is all the more sensitive to her. He isn't angry with her; he is more deflated. "It's about me though. I can tell. Your emotions- they're all jumbled. Guilt, self-loathing, hope, embarrassment. I see my face in your mind and I'm not even trying to."

"It's not your fault," she repeats. "It's not your problem."

He stands. His long and lanky greasy hair frames his pale face; he looks like a specter. Ben stalks to the transparisteel wall and looms over her, eyes intense and hyper-focused. "Try again," he says softly.

A smile threatens to escape. "Okay," she agrees. Rey thinks, but first she pulls up her mental shields. She can't have him knowing that she _masturbated_ while thinking of him every night for the past week. "You don't need to be concerned with my issues."

He arches one eyebrow. "I am concerned, though." He tries, tries, _tries_ to sound like he doesn't love her. He tries to sound like just a friend. The slight wobble in his voice on the second syllable of 'concerned' betrays him. He ducks his head, hair covering his face. It doesn't hide the blush that has crept to his ears.

"I know," Rey replies.

She is not saying that she knows he worries. She is saying that she knows he loves her. He comprehends this, sets his full lips into a grim line, and nods once. He knows that she does not feel the same way. Despite it all, it doesn't matter. He abandoned the First Order. He put himself through agony to rid himself of the Force on the off chance that it could protect her. He played nice with his estranged family. He put up with her vitriol for months. He would do it again, if only to see the spark in her eyes when she had called him a _karking huk_ and hear the affection in her voice when she told him that he didn't get to determine who forgave him. This beautiful creature is worth it, even at her cruelest.

He must be projecting, because when he glances up there are tears in her eyes.

Rey chokes on a sob, bites her fist to keep more from coming. "I don't know how to love, Ben," she says. Tears fall from her fierce hazel eyes. "I don't know the difference between love and affection and lust and all of it. I have no basis for comparison.

"You're my friend. You're my friend and I care about you. I would fight for you. I understand _that_. But I also think about you when I'm falling asleep, when I'm... So is friendship plus lust love? Or is it- I wasn't supposed to tell you this." She sniffles. "When I first heard about the possibility of parole, I didn't know if I wanted you to go free, but I wanted _you_ to want to be free. Is wanting someone to fight for themselves love, or is that still friendship?

"All I know is that I care about you deeply. You're not just my friend, you're one of my best friends. And at the same time I want to kiss you, and find out where you're ticklish, and shove your head between my legs and _by R'iia_ I can't believe I told you that!"

Ben stares at her dumbly. "I cannot get out of this cage soon enough." He grins wolfishly, making her laugh. "I don't expect you to love me back," he says seriously. "I didn't grow up with a healthy model for a loving relationship. I don't know how it works, either. I couldn't promise that it would even be the kind of love you need. Knowing you're out there breathing is enough."

"You shouldn't say things like that," she whispers, still red. "It makes me feel weird."

"It's the truth." He shrugs. "I'm trying this thing called honesty. Apparently it makes people trust and like you."

"Never thought I'd see the day."

=====

Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo is the first member of the Committee to cast her vote.

She votes in favor of parole.

General Leia Organa seconds the motion. This is strategic. She cannot be the first person to vote for parole, nor the last. She cannot break a tie. Should the true identity of "Nelruben" come out, she will be able to say that she did not push for his release.

Admiral Statura follows suit.

Though the three necessary votes have been cast, Major Brance wishes to go on record as having opposed the motion. It was he who reported the destruction of the Hosnian System. He has no love for First Order operatives, defectors or not.

With a roll of his eyes, Major Ematt casts his vote with the majority. It is unnecessary; he does it entirely to upstage and piss off Major Brance.

"Nelruben Sindian" has been granted parole.

=====

General Organa delivers the news to the prisoner. She is smiling. He is not.

=====

Rey is there when his cell door is opened. Instead of waiting for him to come out, she rushes in. Immediately the stench hits her. It is not coming from Ben, she knows. Today he is smooth-faced and his hair is clean. It comes, she sees, from a small grate on the floor in the corner. Her anger flares up; Ben puts a calming hand on her shoulder.

It is the first kind touch he has ever given her. Her mouth goes dry.

Then she sees something all too familiar on the wall by his cot. Scratches. Lines. Tally marks. He had counted his days here just as she had counted hers on Jakku.

She swallows a great lump in her throat. "How many are there?"

"Two hundred twenty one."

=====

She holds his hand as he is given a haircut. His fingers are rough, the tips covered in calluses. She runs her thumb along his knuckles. His skin is dry. The hairdresser tells him to face forward. He cannot stop looking at Rey.

He is given a room in the men's barracks. Everything is standard-issue, including the prophylactics. He blushes when he sees them and tucks them away in an empty drawer. He tries on all of his standard-issue clothes and standard-issue boots. Everything fits, which strikes him as odd. When he looks in the mirror, he understands. He is wiry. He lacks any fat, but his muscles are also gone. He is gaunt, pale. The man in the mirror is _not_ Kylo Ren.

He is given a job in the hangar. It is tedious, repairing busted X-Wings and A-Wings. It is Poe's favorite hangout, though, so he has company. Rey stops in frequently as well; she has always liked fixing things.

He sits with them at lunch. Poe is on his right, Rey on his left. Across from him are Finn and Rose, his crabby co-worker. Rey introduces him as "Nelruben, Ben for short." She occasionally touches his hand beneath the table. Finn looks at him strangely. A spark of recognition in his eyes flares up and dies just as quickly. He tells Ben that if he breaks Rey's heart, he will break Ben's face.

His uncle talks to him some nights. Often the topic of their discussions is forgiveness.

His mother visits him frequently. She takes her cues from him; if he is quiet, she doesn't speak. She brings a special brew of tea, her favorite as a child on Alderaan. If he feels like talking, they don't speak of Kylo Ren.

The walls might have ears.

=====

They are passing around aged Corellian whiskey. The Resistance has dealt a huge blow to the First Order- not the killing blow, but they may have severed a limb or two. And it is all thanks to Ben's information.

That is a bitter pill to swallow. Men and women who once followed him are now dead because he betrayed them. _Traitor!_ rings in his mind. Rey feels it and squeezes his fingers.

He drinks more than he should. They all do. Poe starts singing. Rose and Jessika dance on an A-Wing, which angers Tallie. Finn recounts his lightsaber battle with Kylo Ren with remarkable accuracy. Ben gets a glass of water and heads toward the barracks.

Rey catches him on the way there. Her eyes are lustrous, pupils blown. She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down for a kiss.

How long has he wanted this? How long has he wanted _her_? After everything he has done to atone, doesn't he deserve at least a kiss?

He turns his face at the last second. She looks at him, hurt.

"It doesn't mean anything if we're drunk," he says quietly.

She walks away.

He can't meet her eyes the next day.

=====

"You guys fuck yet?" Poe asks. The hangar is crowded today. Another raid is being launched, so people are double and triple checking their fighters.  

Ben drops his spanner. "I don't want to _fuck_ her. I want..."

Poe whistles. "That's unexpected. Go forth with my blessing, Benji."

"Benji?" a hollow voice echoes. Finn. "I thought Benji was your nickname for- Maker, is this-"

"Finn, you shut your mouth this second," Poe says sharply. "Don't say that name. You'll cause a panic if people think this is him."

Finn's eyes narrow. "But it _is_ him," he says slowly. "I always had trouble remembering some of the details. I only get real flashes of it when I'm asleep. But I thought you were familiar. And you look different now. Scrawny. How did you manage to trick your way out of prison?"

"He didn't," Poe says. "This is Nelruben Sindian. A committee of five voted that he should have parole based on the information he gave when he defected from the First Order."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Finn snarks.

"I expect you to say it regardless of what you believe. A lot of good people will get into trouble if you don't remember that name. The _entire Resistance_ could fall apart."

"The _entire_ Resistance? Don't you think you're being dramatic? This is the guy who sliced open my back, made me have a metal arm, and put me into a coma!"

"Finn, please," Poe says calmly, closing his eyes. "That committee of five? Four of them voted to free him. And all four of them are very high-ranking officers in our military."

They keep bickering in hushed voices. Neither is sure when Ben leaves.

=====

Rey finds him by following a tidal wave of self-hatred and guilt. He is beneath a dying willow tree, its branches affording a measure of concealment.

"He won't tell," she says simply.

"It's not that. It's- he's not _wrong_."

"He hasn't forgiven you yet. That's all."

"Who's to say he ever will?"

"Nobody," she says, "but I know Finn. He's sweet. He'll come around eventually, if only for my sake."

They are quiet, sitting against the trunk of this tree. Its bark scrapes their backs and catches in their hair. Rey rests her head on Ben's shoulder. They close their eyes, mindful of this moment. The breeze. The chill in the air. The smell of soap. Dry, chapped skin.

"Why didn't you kiss me?" she asks.

"I- you- we were drunk. It's not right. It doesn't mean anything."

"What do you mean it's not right?"

He has his arm around her shoulder and pulls her closer. "If you're not sober, you can't tell me no, and vice versa."

She hesitates. "I've only ever been kissed when I was drunk before. Or if the other person was drunk."

The only thing he can think to say is _I'm sorry_ , but he doesn't want to be patronizing. He reverts to what he thinks must be his default setting: asshole. "Sucks." His monosyllabic reply may as well have been a grunt.

"Are you drunk now?" Her voice is somehow softer yet higher. He shakes his head. "Will you kiss me now?"

His entire body freezes. This instant, this question, this feeling- he's drowning in his own mind. What will she taste like? Will they feel each other's emotions? Maker, would she let him kiss the hollow of her throat or the freckle behind her ear? He makes himself nod.

She crawls away from him, ducking out from under his arm. Before he can miss her, she is straddling his lap. Her hands fidget nervously; one toys with his hair and the other fusses with his shirt collar. She licks her lips and leans forward just slightly. She will not close her eyes. He splays his hands across her back, gently holding her. He tilts his face and their mouths meet. He closes his eyes.

It is brief, a few breathless seconds. They smile tremulously at one another. Rey stands and pulls Ben up with her. She leads him to her standard-issue room in the women's barracks.

=====

They spend the afternoon learning one another's bodies. He counts the freckles on her shoulders. She squeezes his burgeoning biceps. He trails his fingers across a dimple in her hip. She runs her tongue along the scar she gave him. Their breathing is heavy, but despite their state of undress, they are tame. There are no sexually intimate touches, no languid kisses. There is Ben and there is Rey, and they are learning what it means to be together.

Someone knocks on her door around dusk; it is time for dinner. Ben is drawing constellations on her back and telling her the stories behind them. Rey tells the messenger that she'll be along shortly.

She draws her constellations on him next. She doesn't know the real stories, so she has to make them up. Ben doesn't care.

When they get beneath the scratchy blankets, Rey is the big spoon. She presses her lips to the nape of his neck and reaches one hand around to stroke his cock. He jumps, startled, and knocks them both out of bed. He looks terrified.

"Hasn't anyone..." Rey starts. He jerks his head _no_ and flushes with embarrassment. Ben holds her green blanket in one hand and is scratching his arm with the other. He has cast his face downward. His dick is half-hard. Rey takes his hands and puts them on her shoulders. She sinks to her knees and kisses the tip of his cock before putting it into her mouth. He thrusts without meaning to, making her choke. His fingers are digging into her skin. When he comes, hot and forceful and bitter, she swallows all that she can. She finds that it's not as bad as she thought it would be.

They sleep.

=====

Finn approaches them as they walk to breakfast. He glares at Ben, but gives no other sign of mistrust or hostility. He asks to speak to Rey privately. When Ben doesn't immediately let go of her hand, she says, "It's okay. We'll be in shortly. Don't eat all of the muffins." Ben nods and continues to the mess alone.

Rey gives Finn a small smile; he returns it. The pair walks to a secluded area between the showers and the men's barracks. The gray sky opens and it begins to drizzle. 

Finn has never been one for stupid questions. He has always known just what to say to her, just what to ask. Right now, he is struggling. His brow furrows, his mouth opens and shuts.

"You want to know why," Rey says.

His shoulders slump. "After everything he did..."

"I don't think that he's suddenly a paragon. He did horrible things. He doesn't deny it or try to pass blame. But he has also done some very good things, some kind things that he didn't even know were unnecessary. He's grown. None of the good will erase his history. He won't let himself forget it. But people can change. Master Luke always said I purposefully refused to see that. It took spending time with Ben and learning what he did to make me see that yeah, bad guys can become good again."

"What did he do?" Finn asks hoarsely. "The good thing, I mean."

"You know how he's been Severed from the Force? That's an old Light technique. Master Luke and I wondered how Snoke was able to do it. He didn't. Ben Severed the Force from _himself_. He was doing it as a self-inflicted punishment for when he killed General Hux-"

" _He_ killed Hux?"

"-and thought Snoke would give it back. He didn't, obviously. But then Master Luke offered and Ben got really upset. Remember? He flat-out refused to let Luke even try. It took a long time, but I finally got the why of it out of him." She blushes. "He thought that if he was weaker in the Force, then when he was inevitably executed, the effects on _me_ would be less. Even when we told him that it wouldn't work like that, he still refused. And even though he's been released, he hasn't asked for it."

Finn chews his lip, processing. "So he basically became good... for you?"

"That's an oversimplification," Rey replies. "He had his mum and uncle and Poe. He had a lot of reasons."

"But you were one."

"Yes."

"Does he love you?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"The things he says. The things he does. Also," she says, smiling, "the Force."

"Do you love him?" He is not accusatory. He is not looking for a fight. His voice is strained and his emotions are a swirling mass of bitterness and confusion.

"I don't know," she says quietly. "He's my friend, but I'm starting to feel something different, too. I never learned what love was, so I really don't know."

Finn hugs her. She is becoming more accustomed to touch, and especially likes hugs. She wraps her arms around him as well. Her face is wet, and she's not sure if it is from the light rain or if she is crying.

"Will you do something for me, Finn?" she whispers into his ear. "Will you try to be kinder to Poe about Ben? Or at least avoid the subject? It really hurts him when the two of you fight."

"Hurts him how?"

"Hurts him badly enough that he told me not to say anything but I'm doing it anyway."

"I didn't realize," he says, pulling out of their hug. "Poe and I saved each other. I don't want to upset him."

Rey pokes his nose. "Just change the topic if you're feeling angry, or listen to him like you listened to me. You don't have to like or agree with what he says. You're his friend and Ben's his friend. Don't make him choose."

=====

The _Supremacy_ lands in Jakku's ship graveyard.

General Organa remarks that this is a fitting end. Jakku is where the Empire fell; now the First Order has fallen there.

Luke Skywalker knows the instant Snoke dies. His presence in the Force was a knot; upon his death, the knot frayed and the strands flowed freely.

Another man feels it as well, though not so much in the Force as in his mind. A cloud is lifted, and he sees the world with unfogged eyes for the first time in many years.

Rey jolts in the cockpit of her X-Wing when it happens, hand flying to her heart. Then she dutifully resumes shooting TIEs out of the sky.

=====

Of _course_ you would want to change your surname, they tell him. Who wants to be a Sindarin? Your father was a hero. You deserve to take his name. You helped win this war, after all.

His mother looks at him, eyes full of tears, and nods.

He becomes Ben Solo again.

=====

"We can go anywhere now," Rey tells Ben. "Anywhere in the whole galaxy."

"I think I'd like... to go home."

=====

Home is on Coruscant.

Rey does not like Galactic City. She does not like the plush, posh apartments of 500 Republica. She does not like that there is no green.

She especially does not like that Ben isn't happy.

They leave after only one night.

=====

Ben and Rey planet-hop. They visit Core worlds, the Mid Rim, and even consider Tatooine for two seconds. There is too much history there.

They make a list of other worlds they cannot visit: Jakku (naturally), Naboo, New Alderaan, Chandrila, Corellia, Kashyyyk, Bespin, Birren, Hoth, Endor, Takodana.

"Why not Takodana?" Rey asks. "We met there."

"You shot a blaster at me. I held a lightsaber to your throat and knocked you unconscious."

"But that's water under the bridge. I loved Takodana." She smiles. "I remember thinking that I had never seen so much green- that I didn't know there _could be_ so much green in the whole galaxy."

"I destroyed Maz's castle."

"Maz rebuilt, and she doesn't hold grudges."

"Are we talking about the same Maz? Maz Kanata? She never lets _anything_ go."

Rey huffs. "Oh, all right. But I want to go somewhere green."

"Naboo," he says.

"But that's on the no-go list," she reminds him.

"I want to go to Naboo."

=====

Ben doesn't call himself Leia's stepson when he meets his Naberrie cousins. He introduces himself as the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, and he is welcomed with open arms.

=====

One at a time, they visit each of the planets on the too-much-history list.

One wound at a time is healed.

=====

"I think I love you," Rey whispers one night.

This is not what he wants to hear. He wants 'I love you'. For him, there is no thinking to be done. She can feel his sadness and resignation. This is all he will get; this is the most he can have from her. She is somewhat horrified when she feels that he is content with that.

"I told you," Ben says, "You're breathing. Whether you love me back..."

"I told you," she counters gently, "I don't know what love is. Reach out with the Force. Tell me what you feel."

"Rey..." He hesitates, partly because his connection is so limited and partly because he is afraid that what he will feel will not be love at all.

"Do you sense it?" she asks.

He closes his eyes and focuses. He feels warmth. He feels like she is wrapping him in a blanket. He feels passion, desire. He feels camaraderie. Beneath it, beating a steady heartbeat, he feels a pulse of feeling that mirrors his own. He feels himself smile, feels his muscles relax. He wants to open his eyes and pull her into his arms and do filthy, debauched things with her, but this warmth is what he needs. He's craved it for so long. _Love_.

"I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Mneme for helping me come up with the word "converging". I was Google-ing all over the place like WHAT IS THIS IS THERE A KIND OF LINE? Then I just hopped into the Anthology chat and Mneme was like, "There's not a word for what you want, how about 'converge'?" because she knows MATH. My hero <3
> 
> On a larger scale, thanks to the Reylo Fanfiction Anthology for hosting the Finish Your Fics project. I would never have completed this otherwise. 
> 
> I'm still working on that tattoo!AU, darlings. Right now, my plate is full with finishing my Padme cosplay. Nothing like the last minute... I have a few cuts to make, a little painting to do, and some velcro to add- but then I'm done! Check out my tumblr for photos (loath though I am to put my face on the Internet) in the near future!
> 
> [it's all (space) junk](https://maq-moon.tumblr.com) <\--- me on tumblr
> 
> May the Force be with us all in the theater this weekend... *SCREAMING*

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously this was written before we knew about angsty!Luke. The teaser was one of the nails in this story's coffin. I tried to re-write it with him being a grumpus, but it didn't work. So, have the Luke we *thought* we were getting! 
> 
> Next up, our lines become transversal. As such, the POV will no longer shift to reflect parallels. 
> 
> Drop me some comments, friends! You know how I love to talk with everybody <3


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